Reid Garwin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
letsdropin) wrote2010-03-27 08:48 am
letsdropin) wrote2010-03-27 08:48 am
just_muse_me 28.8.1. Big Nothing
The song changed, to perfect timing with the click of the door behind her. She didn't slam it, she didn't shout, and yet the empty feeling in the middle of his stomach (no, that is ridiculous, it's the same as it's always been, dammit except knowing facts changed nothing) was even worse, possibly, than if she had.
When your baby leaves you all alone
And nobody calls you on the phone
Ah, don't you feel like crying?
Don't you feel like crying?
Well here I am my honey
Oh, come on, you cry to me.
Reid actually flinched as the familiar words filled the space that she'd vacated. But it took him a few moments to actually make himself move, cross the room and turn it off. Way too appropriate, enough to hurt, and he was hurting enough already.
She was probably right. Of course. Even just the way this conversation had gone alone chilled him with how many times he'd seen something like that done by his mom, and, no, it was a bad idea. Him and any version of somebody acting like that was a bad idea. But it had been going on so well in the beginning, and there was something about the way she fit against him, cheek into the hollow of his shoulder--
Stop that.
She wasn't coming back. He did know her well enough for that; hell, they'd known each other for months before deciding to hook up. He'd figured, maybe it would be different if it was somebody he already trusted, somebody that his behavior wouldn't be a surprise for.
Except this time it wasn't that. Just, 'I don't think we can keep this up.' Not I, not you. We. As though they had been both pretending and they'd grow tired of it and--
Well, Reid never pretended about these things. She had to know that, surely? He'd told her that. It hadn't made a difference.
He hated that he still couldn't ever make a difference, in the end.
And when you're all alone in your lonely room
And there's nothing but the smell of her perfume
Ah, don't you feel like crying,
Don't you feel like crying?
Ah, don't you feel like crying?
Come on, come on, cry to me.
When the text came, Reid's forehead was pressed against the glass of the window, watching the white flurries against lightening background. Stupid morning. Stupid weather. He couldn't even open the window to air the room, stupid sensitive hardwood, and it felt close and stuffy and--
... and hers. His fucking room smelled like her, and she wasn't coming back here. Not even as a friend, she said, because then they'd start fooling around, and it would just make things more difficult...
No, right. Enough of that.
Reid untangled one arm to reach for his phone.
You said you couldn't make it home for the party. If that's still on, I'll miss you.
He frowned. What party? ... oh. Right. Tyler's birthday party was tonight. Keeping up the practices from college and grad school and all, only home. Why the hell not? When they'd talked for the birthday itself, Ty'd mentioned it, but there had been plans in place for the weekend, and they'd talked about stirring up an even greater party when Reid came home, same as always.
Plans. Ya, right.
Reid's vision blurred for a moment, the two words and one name his only focus for a bit. Home. Party. Tyler.
Well, why the hell not? It'd take hours to drive, even more in this weather, and he'd probably get a scolding if they knew he started in the snow after not having slept, and he was going to miss his shift on Monday, but he would deal with that. All of that. His car was good enough to handle the roads, and if not...
Well, he'd think of that if he had to.
When he drove up to his friend's place, the noise was already under way. Tyler opened the door, and his face brightened. "You made it!"
"Yeah. Kinda changed my mind."
The blue eyes flicked, for a half-instant, to the empty space beside him, and the elfin brows drew down, briefly. "I see." Then he reached across the threshold, grasping his arm firmly, warmth seeping in through the fabric startlingly, and pulled at him. "Come on in." And there was a hug, quick but tight. "Come on in and find something to drink and warm up after the white fury outside, and we'll talk in a bit?"
Reid hugged him back. "You've got it, birthday boy." Now this smile was better. The way Ty's thumb rubbed against his shirt.
Before letting go. "Good. You know your way around?"
"Hell yeah. Got something new I'm not supposed to break or mutilate?"
Snort, the door was closed, and he was, well... home.
Pogue was on the loveseat (hah. Reid still found the thought that Tyler would get furniture like that funny) snogging with Kate; he'd drop by to say hi later. But Tyler was right, drink was good to begin with. As he took care of that, he noticed Caleb and Chase also there, different corners of the biggest room, not overtly looking at each other, but for some reason seeming to not miss anything of the other's movements. Not that how they worked was still a mystery to everybody or anything. He'd say hi to them, too, really. If Tyler had relaxed enough to be okay with Chase here...
Well, that was a good sign.
And then he turned, and recalled why the hell not. Marc's arm wasn't even around Tyler, they were just touching at the shoulders, elbows. But it was enough, really - that, and the smiles of both.
You don't ever have to walk alone, oh you see
Oh come on, take my hand, and baby won't you walk with me?
Oh ya.
It was still a party. Reid was outrageously pulling the leg of one of the girls he hadn't seen since Spenser graduation when Tyler's familiar, just-slightly greater height appeared beside him, and two words later he could see the familiar oh-no-you-aren't-actually-saying-that expression on his face, enough to glance over with an innocent (really!) look about him.
"Ah... I'm sorry to interrupt, but can I steal him for a little?"
"Oh, of course, the birthday boy always has claim to anybody at his party, didn't you know?"
All three of them laughed; she gave them a nod and went back to her somewhat older plus-one who was making heroic efforts to have fun (and seemed to be succeeding, actually) and Tyler nodded towards one of the closed doors, the smaller bedroom, closed off at the moment; knowing Tyler, it probably was half-used as a storage room and not quite party-presentable. Which was fine by him, he followed his friend in, not even sure he knew what to say, anymore.
He didn't have to. He should have known, really; moments later Tyler had pulled him into a hug, and it didn't take long for the familiarity - or maybe his neediness - to do the rest. He burrowed into the safe-smelling embrace, face into the shirt, without either of them so much as saying a word. Gentle fingers slid through his hair, and he could feel lips pressed against the top of his head.
"It's okay, blondie. You're here now. I'm here."
Yeah, not like it hadn't happened a zillion times before. Not like Tyler didn't know what he needed, just from how he looked. Exactly what he needed; Reid's breath clumped in the base of his throat, and he shivered, trying to make anything work again. Words, air, something.
In a while, it did. "Why can't I do it right, Ty? It never works. Never ever."
"Not your fault."
"How'd you know?"
"Well, you didn't cheat on her - her, right?" Silent nod. "Didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't let her get bored, didn't let her down, didn't run away, didn't do anything wrong. You didn't, I know, because you don't. The rest, well, it's not something that you did. Not your fault."
Reid only could make a small noise, not quite a whimper. The words, the hug, they were like a balm that he wouldn't admit he needed. Except by, of course, coming over. And being here, like this. I'm such an idiot. Such a wimp. Might not be my fault, but it's...
"Shh. It's alright, babe. You are alright. I promise."
Which was as far as he got; it did help, but then... they got interrupted. Marc peeked in, and seeing them like that gave a... not exactly puzzled expression on the pretty face. Frowny, a little. There was also an odd note to his voice. "Oh, here you are. I think it's time for the cake part?"
"Hmm?"
"Some of the early birds are mentioning leaving already, and, you know."
Reid could feel the sigh, silent as it was. "Right. I'll be right there."
"Okay."
But he didn't leave.
Tyler gave him another squeeze, tight, then disentangled himself. "I'm..."
"I know. I'll be right out, y'know?"
"Okay."
The pretty blue eyes were torn, a little, and Reid straightened his shoulders, and waved him out. "Go, go. I'm fine."
He knew he hadn't fooled him, but the door closed behind the two hosts of the party and the almost-surprise guest breathed out, then slowly curled down, as he'd remained sitting, until his chin was down between his knees.
He didn't even want to cry. Tears splashed against the rumpled bed cover anyway.
When you're waiting for a voice to come
In the night and there is no one
Ah, don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)
Don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)
It wasn't long, at any rate; he caught the candles part and got his piece of cake. Got a bit of time with Pogue, now, complete with cream from the cake on noses and Kate's giggle which almost hadn't changed since they were in high school. Almost. Words, more words; he was getting back in the swing of it, really. Life went on, and so did he.
He was listening to an entirely unrelated story when a lull in conversations around him let him hear something that he likely wasn't meant to. Marc casually reached over and asked, "Ty, can you get--"
"I've asked you not to call me that." The answer wasn't even snapped; Reid wasn't sure that Tyler knew he was too allowed to snap at people. But it was very firm.
"Oh, right, sorry. I don't get why not, it's..."
"Because I don't want you to?"
"... anyway, can you get the... never mind, I'll get them myself." And he leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, apology, whatever. That was all.
Somehow, it made him feel just a little less like a big nothing, less like a bright-colored balloon filled with nothing but hot air. And more like somebody who did matter. Even when he wasn't immediately around, because they, because Tyler, could keep something of him, something they shared, and he would keep it, just theirs.
Not that he relaxed completely. But his arms unclenched from around his chest, and he opened up all the way to just holding the back of one hand in the other.
It was a start.
Muse: Reid Garwin
Fandom: The Covenant
Word count: 1 762
A/N: Verse is Cliffs of Insanity. Tyler istheir_babyboy, Pogue is lieutenantwitch, Caleb is theirgoldenboy, and Chase is broken_circles. Marc and Kate don't have journals, and the rest are NPCs.
And nobody calls you on the phone
Ah, don't you feel like crying?
Don't you feel like crying?
Well here I am my honey
Oh, come on, you cry to me.
Reid actually flinched as the familiar words filled the space that she'd vacated. But it took him a few moments to actually make himself move, cross the room and turn it off. Way too appropriate, enough to hurt, and he was hurting enough already.
She was probably right. Of course. Even just the way this conversation had gone alone chilled him with how many times he'd seen something like that done by his mom, and, no, it was a bad idea. Him and any version of somebody acting like that was a bad idea. But it had been going on so well in the beginning, and there was something about the way she fit against him, cheek into the hollow of his shoulder--
Stop that.
She wasn't coming back. He did know her well enough for that; hell, they'd known each other for months before deciding to hook up. He'd figured, maybe it would be different if it was somebody he already trusted, somebody that his behavior wouldn't be a surprise for.
Except this time it wasn't that. Just, 'I don't think we can keep this up.' Not I, not you. We. As though they had been both pretending and they'd grow tired of it and--
Well, Reid never pretended about these things. She had to know that, surely? He'd told her that. It hadn't made a difference.
He hated that he still couldn't ever make a difference, in the end.
And there's nothing but the smell of her perfume
Ah, don't you feel like crying,
Don't you feel like crying?
Ah, don't you feel like crying?
Come on, come on, cry to me.
When the text came, Reid's forehead was pressed against the glass of the window, watching the white flurries against lightening background. Stupid morning. Stupid weather. He couldn't even open the window to air the room, stupid sensitive hardwood, and it felt close and stuffy and--
... and hers. His fucking room smelled like her, and she wasn't coming back here. Not even as a friend, she said, because then they'd start fooling around, and it would just make things more difficult...
No, right. Enough of that.
Reid untangled one arm to reach for his phone.
You said you couldn't make it home for the party. If that's still on, I'll miss you.
He frowned. What party? ... oh. Right. Tyler's birthday party was tonight. Keeping up the practices from college and grad school and all, only home. Why the hell not? When they'd talked for the birthday itself, Ty'd mentioned it, but there had been plans in place for the weekend, and they'd talked about stirring up an even greater party when Reid came home, same as always.
Plans. Ya, right.
Reid's vision blurred for a moment, the two words and one name his only focus for a bit. Home. Party. Tyler.
Well, why the hell not? It'd take hours to drive, even more in this weather, and he'd probably get a scolding if they knew he started in the snow after not having slept, and he was going to miss his shift on Monday, but he would deal with that. All of that. His car was good enough to handle the roads, and if not...
Well, he'd think of that if he had to.
When he drove up to his friend's place, the noise was already under way. Tyler opened the door, and his face brightened. "You made it!"
"Yeah. Kinda changed my mind."
The blue eyes flicked, for a half-instant, to the empty space beside him, and the elfin brows drew down, briefly. "I see." Then he reached across the threshold, grasping his arm firmly, warmth seeping in through the fabric startlingly, and pulled at him. "Come on in." And there was a hug, quick but tight. "Come on in and find something to drink and warm up after the white fury outside, and we'll talk in a bit?"
Reid hugged him back. "You've got it, birthday boy." Now this smile was better. The way Ty's thumb rubbed against his shirt.
Before letting go. "Good. You know your way around?"
"Hell yeah. Got something new I'm not supposed to break or mutilate?"
Snort, the door was closed, and he was, well... home.
Pogue was on the loveseat (hah. Reid still found the thought that Tyler would get furniture like that funny) snogging with Kate; he'd drop by to say hi later. But Tyler was right, drink was good to begin with. As he took care of that, he noticed Caleb and Chase also there, different corners of the biggest room, not overtly looking at each other, but for some reason seeming to not miss anything of the other's movements. Not that how they worked was still a mystery to everybody or anything. He'd say hi to them, too, really. If Tyler had relaxed enough to be okay with Chase here...
Well, that was a good sign.
And then he turned, and recalled why the hell not. Marc's arm wasn't even around Tyler, they were just touching at the shoulders, elbows. But it was enough, really - that, and the smiles of both.
Oh come on, take my hand, and baby won't you walk with me?
Oh ya.
It was still a party. Reid was outrageously pulling the leg of one of the girls he hadn't seen since Spenser graduation when Tyler's familiar, just-slightly greater height appeared beside him, and two words later he could see the familiar oh-no-you-aren't-actually-saying-that expression on his face, enough to glance over with an innocent (really!) look about him.
"Ah... I'm sorry to interrupt, but can I steal him for a little?"
"Oh, of course, the birthday boy always has claim to anybody at his party, didn't you know?"
All three of them laughed; she gave them a nod and went back to her somewhat older plus-one who was making heroic efforts to have fun (and seemed to be succeeding, actually) and Tyler nodded towards one of the closed doors, the smaller bedroom, closed off at the moment; knowing Tyler, it probably was half-used as a storage room and not quite party-presentable. Which was fine by him, he followed his friend in, not even sure he knew what to say, anymore.
He didn't have to. He should have known, really; moments later Tyler had pulled him into a hug, and it didn't take long for the familiarity - or maybe his neediness - to do the rest. He burrowed into the safe-smelling embrace, face into the shirt, without either of them so much as saying a word. Gentle fingers slid through his hair, and he could feel lips pressed against the top of his head.
"It's okay, blondie. You're here now. I'm here."
Yeah, not like it hadn't happened a zillion times before. Not like Tyler didn't know what he needed, just from how he looked. Exactly what he needed; Reid's breath clumped in the base of his throat, and he shivered, trying to make anything work again. Words, air, something.
In a while, it did. "Why can't I do it right, Ty? It never works. Never ever."
"Not your fault."
"How'd you know?"
"Well, you didn't cheat on her - her, right?" Silent nod. "Didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't let her get bored, didn't let her down, didn't run away, didn't do anything wrong. You didn't, I know, because you don't. The rest, well, it's not something that you did. Not your fault."
Reid only could make a small noise, not quite a whimper. The words, the hug, they were like a balm that he wouldn't admit he needed. Except by, of course, coming over. And being here, like this. I'm such an idiot. Such a wimp. Might not be my fault, but it's...
"Shh. It's alright, babe. You are alright. I promise."
Which was as far as he got; it did help, but then... they got interrupted. Marc peeked in, and seeing them like that gave a... not exactly puzzled expression on the pretty face. Frowny, a little. There was also an odd note to his voice. "Oh, here you are. I think it's time for the cake part?"
"Hmm?"
"Some of the early birds are mentioning leaving already, and, you know."
Reid could feel the sigh, silent as it was. "Right. I'll be right there."
"Okay."
But he didn't leave.
Tyler gave him another squeeze, tight, then disentangled himself. "I'm..."
"I know. I'll be right out, y'know?"
"Okay."
The pretty blue eyes were torn, a little, and Reid straightened his shoulders, and waved him out. "Go, go. I'm fine."
He knew he hadn't fooled him, but the door closed behind the two hosts of the party and the almost-surprise guest breathed out, then slowly curled down, as he'd remained sitting, until his chin was down between his knees.
He didn't even want to cry. Tears splashed against the rumpled bed cover anyway.
In the night and there is no one
Ah, don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)
Don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)
It wasn't long, at any rate; he caught the candles part and got his piece of cake. Got a bit of time with Pogue, now, complete with cream from the cake on noses and Kate's giggle which almost hadn't changed since they were in high school. Almost. Words, more words; he was getting back in the swing of it, really. Life went on, and so did he.
He was listening to an entirely unrelated story when a lull in conversations around him let him hear something that he likely wasn't meant to. Marc casually reached over and asked, "Ty, can you get--"
"I've asked you not to call me that." The answer wasn't even snapped; Reid wasn't sure that Tyler knew he was too allowed to snap at people. But it was very firm.
"Oh, right, sorry. I don't get why not, it's..."
"Because I don't want you to?"
"... anyway, can you get the... never mind, I'll get them myself." And he leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, apology, whatever. That was all.
Somehow, it made him feel just a little less like a big nothing, less like a bright-colored balloon filled with nothing but hot air. And more like somebody who did matter. Even when he wasn't immediately around, because they, because Tyler, could keep something of him, something they shared, and he would keep it, just theirs.
Not that he relaxed completely. But his arms unclenched from around his chest, and he opened up all the way to just holding the back of one hand in the other.
It was a start.
Muse: Reid Garwin
Fandom: The Covenant
Word count: 1 762
A/N: Verse is Cliffs of Insanity. Tyler is
their_babyboy, Pogue is lieutenantwitch, Caleb is theirgoldenboy, and Chase is broken_circles. Marc and Kate don't have journals, and the rest are NPCs.